Post by Cat on May 26, 2018 19:28:21 GMT -5
What is Emotional Abuse?
Emotional abuse can occur over a series of incidents, or over a period of time.It functions in a series of repeated incidents - intentional or not - that insults, threatens, isolates, degrades, humiliates, or controls another person. If frequent enough, it can be internalized by the victim, and leaves them feeling fearful, insignificant, unworthy, untrusting, emotionally needy, undeserving, and unloveable. If they did something "bad", they would receive punishment or blame by their abuser.
It can be known to blind side victims, as it comes from someone who the victim truly trusts, or loves. Emotional abuse runs in a vicious cycle of building the victim up and tearing them down. It breaks their self-confidence and in return makes them more reliant on their abuser. Emotional abusers will be ruthless and cruel, to achieve total control. However, not all emotional abusers have the same end goal, but they all use similar methods. It is intended to break the victim, and become subject to their abuser. This process can take a long time, but if it is not stopped or checked, it can leave lasting damage. After extensive and prolonged exposure, the victim will become submissive, no longer acting on their own or pursuing their own interests. They will at this point become dependent on their abuser for their identity and purpose. Ultimately it hinders the victim's ability to respond to circumstances in a way their abuser does or does not want them to. Which leaves them highly dependent, or even depressed.
The victim will often feel as if things are going wrong, and that they are to blame. They feel obligated to fix their "mistakes". The abuser aims to make the victim believe that they deserve the cruelty, and that everything is their fault, and that it will end when the victim does what the abuser demands. Intelligent emotional abusers can be kind and generous, offering nothing but support and love, but they can quickly descend to emotionally abusive tactics and engage in passive aggressive behavioral trends at a whim. If done correctly, the victims will be unable to leave as the loving aspect is more important than the abuse.
Abusers don't always belittle victims, they typically space out their actions to maximize effectiveness. Victims will be faced with an individual who can be loving at one point, and abusive at another. It is the loving aspect that makes victims question if they are being "too sensitive", which an abuser will encourage the thought of. Or the victim will believe that the loving person is worth enduring the abusive one. Ultimately, the disparity is confusing to victims. They are trapped between the thoughts of self-preservation and emotional attachment. The victim believes that they deserve it, that they are worth very little, and that they are lucky to have someone who cares about them like their abuser does.
If a victim attempts to distance themselves from their abuser, the abuser will become more abusive, more aggressive, and far more emotionally damaging. Independence is unacceptable to an abuser, and they will not stop at any cost to maintain control. The abuser may even stalk the victim, in an effort to reach and control their victim once again.
Stopping emotional abuse can be a difficult process. And trying to repair the damage that the abuser has left behind, will take a lot of effort and time. However, there are ways that it can be identified, and stopped quicker. Down below are bulleted points that will demonstrate what is, and what isn't emotional abuse.
Emotionally abusive behavior:
- Stating that the abuser is the only one who can accept the victim fully (because of or despite their faults)
- Periods of good treatment which are interspersed with periods of tearing down the victim’s confidence.
- Telling the victim that they deserve better, and they are sorry for how they are treating the victim (and continue regardless).
- Belittling the victim by criticizing everything about them.
- Stating that the victim is not trying hard enough to make the abuser happy.
- Threatening to break off contact when the victim does not do something the abuser demands.
- Deliberately exploiting vulnerabilities they know exist with the victim, such as low self-confidence, a history of abuse of the victim, current troubles in life, existing guilt, or self-consciousness.
- Abandoning the victim until the victim comes to them out of desperation or guilt and gives the abuser what they want.
- A history of patronizing, condescending, or controlling remarks that make the victim believe that they are not worthy of love or respect.
- Attempts to isolate the victim from others, either by trapping the victim in that cycle and disabling their ability to speak up, or by convincing others that there is something wrong with the victim.
- Telling the victim that the abuser will change for them, if they will do what the abuser wants.
- Encouraging the victim to believe that they are not good enough.
- If the victim is happy and they are not responsible for that happiness, deliberately saying cruel things that will make them unhappy.
- Convincing the people around the victim that the victim is the problem, and the abuser is the actual victim.
- Telling the victim that they will take care of them, but that nobody else would.
- Allows the victim to believe that the abuser does not think what the victim finds important means anything.
- The abuser expects to be forgiven for their mistakes no matter what is said or done, and becomes aggressive verbally if that does not happen. They will state that they have the “right” to be forgiven, and deserve forgiveness and love.
- The abuser says that they feel bad because the victim did something to set the abuser off.
- Insisting that the victim is spending too much time with others and is neglecting the abuser, potentially saying that means the victim doesn’t care about them.
- Making the victim feel like having friends is the victim’s fault, and that the victim’s successes make the abuser feel insecure and hurt.
- Deliberately being hurtful so that the victim becomes angry or upset, which allows the abuser to start an argument. This applies as abuse only when the abuser uses the victim’s reaction against them, to make them feel that everything is their fault and they had no right to react the way they did.
- Deliberately attempts to make the victim cry or feel depressed.
- If the victim states that they feel hurt, the abuser will cite a past incident where the victim hurt the abuser.
- If the victim tries to distance from the abuser, the abuser will accuse them of being mean and cold and abandoning them.
- If the victim and the abuser have a sexual relationship, that relationship can be used as a means of control, such as taking it away for “bad” behavior or giving it back as a reward for “good” behavior.
- Making the victim degrade or debase themselves for the abuser’s satisfaction and to keep them in a low place devoid of self-confidence.
- Encouragement of self-injury of the victim as a means to please the abuser. This also includes asking the victim to allow the abuser to harm them in exchange for the abuser not harming himself/herself.
- Threats of self-harm/suicide if the victim does not do exactly what the abuser wants.
- Harming oneself deliberately in front of the victim in order to win their sympathy and to establish a means of control/make the victim feel responsible for the abuser’s welfare.
- If the abuser has a history of abuse in their own background or a history of mental illness, the abuser may attempt to use either of these to excuse their abusive behavior.
Not emotionally abusive behavior:
- Dismissing your concerns and proceeding with their own does not always constitute abuse if this is a consistent pattern.
- Verbal abuse is *not* emotional abuse. It can be a tactic employed by emotional abusers, but a verbally abusive person may not be an emotional abuser. Remember that emotional abusers say these things to deliberately hurt the victim in that cycle of building up and tearing down.
- IC rudeness. IC has nothing to do with OOC emotional abuse.
- OOC rudeness. Some people are just not very nice, and not every unkind person is emotionally abusive. An emotionally abusive relationship is predatory, not consisting of unkindness.
- Arguments do not mean one party is emotionally abusive. Arguments are a natural part of a relationship.
- Emotional abuse is not someone insulting you. Emotional abuse is part of a relationship cycle, not someone who is frustrated or annoyed with you and decides to be offensive.
- Trolling and baiting. Neither of these constitute emotional abuse.
- Personal attacks are not always emotional abuse, either. It is very possible to simply be aggressive and thoughtless in your words and to use personal circumstances against another individual.
- Deliberately baiting for a fight. Some people just want to fight or to bait someone to say something that can be used against them later; they might not necessarily have intentions beyond that.
- Bullying is also not a symptom of emotional abuse. It can be a symptom of harassment, but harassment is not precisely the same thing as abuse.
- Using sexual favors is also not always a sign of emotional abuse. It can simply be a reward system for someone doing something for someone else.
- Talking about wanting to self-harm/commit suicide. This is not always emotional abuse. The person in question can be genuinely troubled with either problem and needs someone to confide in.
- Actually self-harming. Though it can be used as a tactic, it is also not a guarantee that this is intended to specifically manipulate a certain individual or individuals.
Thanks to Xoriet for allowing us to reference her piece when making this